*>Hardware like that makes me yearn for one with no wireless and a pair of Gigab...

>Hardware like that makes me yearn for one with no wireless and a pair of Gigabit Ethernet ports to use as a firewall and server.

You may want to take a look at these:

It's small and fanless with dual gigabit ethernet ports. I use one with VyOS as a dedicated firewall/router/VPN client.

Disclaimer: I bought mine from a 3rd party seller (via taobao) and not that site, although I believe they are the manufacturer.