it's okay that it's painful. pain means you need to be doing things differently. That is why you feel pain.
don't attach to it. you don't have to "admit" failure. Life is not a test.
There may be someone in need of your tech skills that you don't even know, and you just missed making that random contact at the coffee shop you always go too because she was stuck in traffic that day.
your freelancing thing barely works for two reasons: not enough paying clients, or clients that never pay. so go get new/more (paying) clients! advertise! be creative! spread your wings! get out of house and hustle, or write emails to prospective clients. work for free (temporarily)to get in the door if you have to!
change how you do things so it doesn't hurt anymore. don't take the fact that it hurts personally, take it as a clue.
when I contemplated suicide at that age (and since) I always come back to a wonderful realization. the reasons for suicide are satisfied in death... but they are also satisfied if you give up believing in those reasons. you will still be hungry when you have no food, but your reasons for suicide don't have to control you...
you can live whatever silly life you like for whatever silly reasons you like. your parents may not pay for it, but that's ok. Just another part of the post suicide adventure!
or as steve jobs said: “Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure — these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.”
also, suicidal thoughts probably have underlying biological components. Therefore:
eat well, not too much, mostly plants.
get exercise. your body and brain are connected and need to move around.
go outside. it will make you feel better.
interact with people. we are social organisms.
sleep well. the more your learning the more sleep you will need.
set learning goals. those goals are what should be getting out of bed every day. if your vision and goals don't get you out of bed, then change your goals.
I'm gonna make a guess that your parents want you to be happy. They also want you to be self-reliant. But they don't see either one happening now. so try some new things and see if either one improves.
You don't have to admit failure to try something different. Or to do something in addition to the free-lance thing. Or you could just kill the free-lance thing because it doesn't work.
It's difficult being a CEO. Sometimes you have to tell the new division it isn't making any money. Maybe the CEO has to pivot the business into a new direction. Maybe the division can hang on for 3 more months if it can meet new sales targets. Maybe the division must be shut down. In a shutdown, a good CEO will try and take the smart people from that division and puts them somewhere else where they will get a better return on their investment. These decisions are always complicated.
don't attach to it. you don't have to "admit" failure. Life is not a test.
There may be someone in need of your tech skills that you don't even know, and you just missed making that random contact at the coffee shop you always go too because she was stuck in traffic that day.
your freelancing thing barely works for two reasons: not enough paying clients, or clients that never pay. so go get new/more (paying) clients! advertise! be creative! spread your wings! get out of house and hustle, or write emails to prospective clients. work for free (temporarily)to get in the door if you have to!
change how you do things so it doesn't hurt anymore. don't take the fact that it hurts personally, take it as a clue.
when I contemplated suicide at that age (and since) I always come back to a wonderful realization. the reasons for suicide are satisfied in death... but they are also satisfied if you give up believing in those reasons. you will still be hungry when you have no food, but your reasons for suicide don't have to control you...
you can live whatever silly life you like for whatever silly reasons you like. your parents may not pay for it, but that's ok. Just another part of the post suicide adventure!
or as steve jobs said: “Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure — these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.”
also, suicidal thoughts probably have underlying biological components. Therefore:
eat well, not too much, mostly plants. get exercise. your body and brain are connected and need to move around. go outside. it will make you feel better. interact with people. we are social organisms. sleep well. the more your learning the more sleep you will need. set learning goals. those goals are what should be getting out of bed every day. if your vision and goals don't get you out of bed, then change your goals.
I'm gonna make a guess that your parents want you to be happy. They also want you to be self-reliant. But they don't see either one happening now. so try some new things and see if either one improves.
You don't have to admit failure to try something different. Or to do something in addition to the free-lance thing. Or you could just kill the free-lance thing because it doesn't work.
It's difficult being a CEO. Sometimes you have to tell the new division it isn't making any money. Maybe the CEO has to pivot the business into a new direction. Maybe the division can hang on for 3 more months if it can meet new sales targets. Maybe the division must be shut down. In a shutdown, a good CEO will try and take the smart people from that division and puts them somewhere else where they will get a better return on their investment. These decisions are always complicated.
Your the CEO. So wear the hat and act like it.